Be a man motherfucker, what the fuck is this?

Hey...I'm sorry, I'm just a little scared, I hope you don't mind. I'm completely blow away...in a negative way. I'm not having control about myself, I'm feeling weak again, miserable, the day 1 never really happened. I'm stuck on you for reasons that I still can't explain because it doesn't make any sense. There is no sense of knowing that I'll be ignored and fighting that situation when there's clearly no turning back. I can't smile anymore and if I smile it just feels like it's not me, I'm not happy you know? So many years in so many fucked up situations, I consider this the worst because I can't see a resolution, something to tell you to make you be a little more comfortable around me. Do I have to give up on you? Must I give up on you? You said you are only gonna talk the essential with me...is there a point in making the effort? What will I win if I struggle to talk to you? Maybe something but probably...nothing.
In a few days my birthday is coming up...I know I'm gonna talk shit, I'm gonna say a thing that will make some fuckers angry but I would trade an evening with all of my friends if I could just be...with you...only me and you. It would certainly be special for me.
I'm really searching for answers, I'm with my heart in my hand, I'm nervous, I'm anxious...I wanna be with you smiling but you won't give a fuck, you did give a fuck once but not now.
I'm pleading to someone to give me an answer...I'm pleading for you to kiss me just this once...I'm crying like I was an hour ago in the bus...like I was yesterday when I went to bed...like I was sunday...saturday...this can't be for real...SOGB